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When Someone You Love Has Cancer

The Lord brought a truly lovely friend into my life just a few months ago. We’d known of each other, but we’ve just begun to explore a deeper friendship based on our shared faith and look-alike hearts.

What a conquering spirit she has! She conquered breast cancer five years ago.

Today, it’s back, with a vengeance unique to cancer.

When I’d offered to participate in the blog tour to highlight Cec Murphey’s beautiful gift book–When Someone You Love Has Cancer–it ministered to me in a “Oh, how precious!” way. Now that I’m walking beside a friend with cancer, it ministers in a “Oh, how powerful!” way.

May it serve to encourage and strengthen many hearts.


When Someone You

Love Has Cancer

Author: Cecil Murphey

Harvest House Publishers

ISBN: 978-0-7369-2428-3

Retail: $10.99

A Word from The Man Behind the Words

When Shirley walked in from the garage, she didn’t have to say a word: I read the diagnosis in her eyes. I grabbed her and held her tightly for several seconds. When I released her, she didn’t cry. The unshed tears glistened, but that was all.

I felt emotionally paralyzed and helpless, and I couldn’t understand my reaction. After all, I was a professional. As a former pastor and volunteer hospital chaplain I had been around many cancer patients. I’d seen people at their lowest and most vulnerable. As a writing instructor, I helped one woman write her cancer-survival book. Shirley and I had been caregivers for Shirley’s older sister for months before she died of colon cancer.

All of that happened before cancer became personal to me–before my wife learned she needed a mastectomy. To make it worse, Shirley was in the high-risk category because most of her blood relatives had died of some form of cancer. Years earlier, she had jokingly said, “In our family we grow things.”

In the days after the diagnosis and before her surgery, I went to a local bookstore and to the public library. I found dozens of accounts, usually by women, about their battle and survival. I pushed aside the novels that ended in a person’s death. A few books contained medical or technical information. I searched on-line and garnered useful information–but I found nothing that spoke to me on how to cope with the possible loss of the person I loved most in this world.

Our story ends happily: Shirley has started her tenth year as a cancer survivor. Not only am I grateful, but I remember my pain and confusion during those days. That concerns me enough to reach out to others who also feel helpless as they watch a loved one face the serious diagnosis of cancer.

That’s why I wrote When Someone You Love Has Cancer. I want to encourage relatives and friends and also to offer practical suggestions as they stay at the side of those they love.

The appendix offers specific things for them to do and not to do–and much of that information came about because of the way people reacted around us.

It’s a terrible situation for anyone to have cancer; it’s a heavy burden for us who deeply love those with cancer.

by Cecil Murphey

A Treatment of Encouragement and a Prognosis of Hope


When Someone You Love Has Cancer

About the Book:

The World Health Organization reported that by the year 2010 cancer will be the number one killer worldwide. More than 12.4 million people in the world suffer from cancer. 7.6 million people are expected to die from some form of cancer. That’s a lot of people, but the number of loved ones of cancer sufferers is far greater. What do they do when a special person in their life is diagnosed with this devastating disease?

Murphey brings his experiences as a loved one and many years of wisdom gained from being a pastor and hospital chaplain to his newest book When Someone You Love Has Cancer: Comfort and Encouragement for Caregivers and Loved Ones (Harvest House Publishers). His honest I’ve-been-there admissions and practical helps are combined with artist Michal Sparks’ soothing watercolor paintings.

Readers of When Someone You Love Has Cancer will receive:

  • Inspiration to seek peace and understanding in their loved one’s situation
  • Help in learning the importance of active listening
  • Guidance in exploring their own feelings of confusion and unrest
  • Suggestions on how to handle anxiety and apprehension
  • Honest answers to questions dealing with emotions, exhaustion, and helplessness
  • Spirit-lifting thoughts for celebrating the gift of life in the midst of troubles

Murphey explains why this is a much-needed book: “Most books about cancer address survivors. I want to speak to the mates, families, and friends who love those with cancer. I offer a number of simple, practical things people can do for those with cancer.”

Interview Questions

1.    The first sentence of your book reads, “I felt helpless.” Tell us about that feeling.

Because her doctor put Shirley into the high-risk category, I felt helpless. To me, helpless means hating the situation, wanting to make it better, but admitting there was nothing I could do for her.

2.    On that same page you also write, “One thing we learned: God was with us and strengthened us through the many weeks of uncertainty and pain.” How did you get from feeling helpless to that assurance?

Shirley and I sat down one day and I put my arm around her. “The only way I know how I can handle this,” I said, “is to talk about it.” Shirley knows that’s my way of working through puzzling issues. “Let’s consider every possibility.” If her surgeon decided she did not have breast cancer, how would we react? We talked of our reaction if he said, “There is a tumor and it’s obviously benign. Finally, I was able to say, with tears in my eyes, “How do we react if he says the cancer is advanced and you have only a short time to live?” By the time we talked answered that question, I was crying. Shirley had tears in her eyes, but remained quite calm. “I’m ready to go whenever God wants to take me,” she said. She is too honest not to have meant those words. As I searched her face, I saw calmness and peace. I held her tightly and we prayed together. After that I felt calm. Since then, one of the first things I do when I awaken is to thank God that Shirley and I have at least one more day together.

3.    When most people hear the word cancer applied to someone they love, they have strong emotional reactions. What are some of them? What was your reaction when your wife was diagnosed with breast cancer?

As a pastor, a volunteer chaplain, and a friend I’ve encountered virtually every emotional reaction. Some refuse to accept what they hear. Some go inward and are unable to talk. Others start making telephone calls to talk to friends.

Me? I went numb, absolutely numb. That was my old way of dealing with overwhelming emotions. I heard everything but I couldn’t feel anything. It took me almost two weeks before I was able to feel–and to face the possibility that the person I loved most in the world might die.

4. “What can I do for my loved one with cancer?” That’s a good question for us to ask ourselves. How can we be supportive and helpful?

Many think they need to do big things; they don’t. Express your concern and your love.

Be available to talk when the other person needs it–and be even more willing to be silent if your loved one doesn’t want to talk. Don’t ask what you can do; do what you see needs doing. To express loving support in your own way (and we all express love differently) is the best gift you can offer.

5.   Why do you urge people not to say, “I know exactly how you feel”?

No one knows how you feel. They may remember how they felt at a certain time. Even if they did know, what help is that to the person with cancer? It’s like saying, “Stop feeling sorry for yourself. I know what it’s like and I’m fine now.”

Instead, focus on how the loved one feels. Let him or her tell you.

6.  Those with cancer suffer physically and spiritually. You mention God’s silence as a form of spiritual suffering. They pray and don’t seem to sense God. What can you do to help them?

God is sometimes silent but that doesn’t mean God is absent. In my upcoming book, When God Turns off the Lights, I tell what it was like for me when God stopped communicating for about 18 months.

I didn’t like it and I was angry. I didn’t doubt God’s existence, but I didn’t understand the silence. I read Psalms and Lamentations in various translations. I prayed and I did everything I could, but nothing changed.

After a couple of months, I realized that I needed to accept the situation and wait for God to turn on the lights again. Each day I quoted Psalm 13:1: “O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way?” (NLT)

I learned many invaluable lessons about myself–and I could have learned them only in the darkness. When God turns off the lights (and the sounds) I finally realized that instead of God being angry, it was God’s loving way to draw me closer.

7.    Guilt troubles many friends and loved ones of caregivers because they feel they failed or didn’t do enough. What can you say to help them?

We probably fail our loved ones in some ways. No one is perfect. If you feel that kind of guilt, I suggest 3 things:

(1) Tell the loved one and ask forgiveness.

(2) Talk to God and ask God to forgive you and give you strength not to repeat your failures.

(3) Forgive yourself. And one way to do that is to say, “At the time, I thought I did the right thing. I was wrong and I forgive myself.”

8.    Do you have some final words of wisdom for those giving care to a loved one with cancer?

Be available. You can’t take away the cancer but you can alleviate the sense of aloneness. Don’t ever try to explain the reason the person has cancer. We don’t know the reason and even if we did, would it really help the other person?

Be careful about what you say. Too often visitors and friends speak from their own discomfort and forget about the pain of the one with cancer. Don’t tell them about your cancer or other disease; don’t tell them horror stories about others. Above all, don’t give them false words of comfort. Be natural. Be yourself. Behave as loving as you can.


About the Author:

Cecil Murphey is an international speaker and bestselling author who has written more than 100 books, including the New York Times bestseller 90 Minutes in Heaven (with Don Piper). No stranger himself to loss and grieving, Cecil has served as a pastor and hospital chaplain for many years, and through his ministry and books he has brought hope and encouragement to countless people around the world. For more information, visit http://www.themanbehindthewords.com/.

Something Extra!


Cec designed the appendix to be the most practical part of the book. He’s witnessed too many situations where genuinely caring people had no idea what to do, so he has tried to givea few general guidelines.

1. Before you offer help. Learn about the disease before you visit. Determine to accept their feelings, no matter how negative. Pray for your loved one before you visit. Don’t throw religious slogans at them, such as, “This is God’s will” or “God knew you were strong enough to handle this.”

2. What you can do now. As the first question, don’t ask, “How are you?” Instead, ask, “Do you feel like talking.” Don’t offer advice. Be willing to sit in silence. If you need to cry, do so. Be natural. If appropriate, hug your loved one. Human touch is powerful.

3. Long-term caregiving. The overarching principle is to let the seriousness of the disease determine the amount of time and commitment you offer. This can be a time for you to help them spiritually. Think about tangible things you can do that say you care. Plan celebrations for every anniversary of being cancer free.

Ask them reflective questions such as:

  • What have you discovered about yourself through this experience?
  • What have you learned about relationships?
  • How has your faith in God changed?

The Water’s Fine

swimming+pool+web+page Some people approach faith as if it were a pool of unknown temperature. They hover at the edge of the pool, uncertain about getting in as far as the first step. As the water laps against their ankles, they acclimate before moving down another step into the calf-deep water. Then knee-deep.

And that’s as far as some ever go. “I’m fine here. You go on and have fun.”

Hugging themselves (lot of good that does) they shiver because their feet are in the water but their body is exposed to the air.

“Let me just get used to it,” they say. Some never do.

Their friends, exhausted from the fun, the splashing, the diving, are packing their things to go Home by the time the timid ones feel confident to go waist-deep, shoulder-deep, get their hair wet.

Let’s grab the faith-timid by the hand and urge them deeper. “Come on in. The water’s fine!”

For writers: Pushing from behind rarely is appreciated. In some ways, it’s rude, bully-like. How can our words more effectively “pull” with “strong cords of love,” as God says He does in His Word?

For readers: Have you been encouraged to dive deeper into your relationship with the Lord but have hesitated at the edge of the pool? Dive right in! Even if the water temp surprises you, you’ll find it infinitely soul-refreshing!

Bluebirds in the Ditch

Some birds blend into the background. Sparrows. Wrens. Female cardinals.

But some always startle. Goldfinches. Indigo buntings. Baltimore Orioles. Male cardinals.

And bluebirds.

Driving through the midsummer Midwest countryside, a flash of that distinctive Microsoft blue flitted at the side of the road. In the ditch.

“What is the bluebird of happiness doing in a ditch?” I asked before I thought about the implications.

That’s where some people’s bluebirds of happiness hover.

My empathy quotient spiked. People all around me are trying to make it through life with their happiness factor flopping around in the weeds along the edge of the road.

That’s not where bluebirds are supposed to linger. They’re not ground-dwellers. And neither are we. We were created to soar.

For writers: No matter what genre you write, does it offer hope? Even if it explores the litter along the side of the road, is there a flash of hope?

For readers: I wonder if God would want to rewrite the “pursuit of happiness” portion of our country’s early documents. What if it read, “and the pursuit of holiness coupled with the pursuit of the happiness of others”? Now, wouldn’t that be an interesting quest? And wouldn’t that make it more likely we could stay airborne?bluebird

Unneeded equals disposable?

She poured her heart into the phone. “I’m no longer needed. By anyone. What’s the point of living anymore?”

Not needed? How could she think that? And how could she think her perception of unnecessary meant her life was disposable?

She’d applied for jobs and wasn’t hired. She’d volunteered and “run out” of places to help.

In this world? She’d run out of places to help?

Misperception. She’d served many over the years, and continued to; had given much, and continued to give. But she couldn’t “see” that her efforts meant anything to anyone.

How had she spent her week? She’d hired a couple of young men to tear down an old outbuilding, not because she needed it torn down but because the men needed work.

She’d put a check in the mail to a ministry because she’d felt moved to do so.

Only heaven knows how many people she’d blessed with slips and snips from her gardens. A word of encouragement here. A word there.

It takes faith to believe that our obedience to God’s call to bless others, however unnoticed by those around us and unimportant in our own eyes, is noticed by God. We believe we matter not because we feel as if we do or have seen evidence, but by faith in the God who SAID we matter to Him.

For writers: Have you silently measured your worth by royalties or lack of them? By reader mail? By awards and recognition? What if they all ceased? Does the world need your words or your obedience to His words?

For readers: Life has two seasons–when we’re overneeded and when we’re underneeded. Both seasons require the exercise of faith. It’s not evidence that tells us we matter, that our efforts are noticed. This is a job for faith.

Duplicates

John Mason wrote, “You were born an original. Don’t die a copy.”

Profound, isn’t it?

The memorable are not those who are “just like” somebody else, but those who stand out in significant, even if small ways.

An unsuccessful author is the one who wants to write exactly like John Grisham. We already have one of those. Don’t need a copy.

A successful author might write John Grisham-ish novels but from the perspective of the judge. Or the courtroom janitor.

Readers aren’t looking for another book “just like” The Secret Life of Bees. They’re looking for one that evokes the same emotions but in a different setting with different characters facing different conflicts.

The Lord isn’t looking for me to turn out “just like” my pastor’s wife or “just like” my best friend or “just like” Beth Moore. He hand-turned each of us. Hand-molded. Built each of us from scratch, not from a rubberized mold.

We share commonalities. But He created us uniquely…down to our very DNA, which when you think about it speaks volumes to the importance He places on our NOT being exactly like anyone else.

How much time do we waste trying to look like, sound like, write like, pray like someone else?

We were born originals. May we not end life a mere copy.

Except in one respect. My longing is that when life is over, people will call me a Jesus Copycat.

For writers: What is it about your writing that distinguishes it from that of your favorite authors, the ones you long to emulate? Is that distinguishing mark clear enough for readers and editors to find significant? Significantly wonderful?

For readers: New photocopiers pride themselves on making copies that are practically indistinguishable from the original. What in your life is growing closer to an exact duplicate of a character trait of Jesus? Your quickness to obey? Your compassion? Your giving spirit? Your surrender to the will of the Father? It’s something to think about.

Wrapped in forgiveness

It’s the little things that make us crazy–like getting a parking ticket after exiting the clinic where we were just told the chemo isn’t working.

Like the smudge on our slacks after having to change a tire in rush hour traffic and missing an important interview.

Like a mosquito in the tent on an otherwise great camp out. A mosquito with cousins who like to party.

It’s the little things that make us crazy…and the little things that stir our hearts.

Yesterday my pulse quickened over one small detail in the story of the Prodigal Son from the Bible. After he’d wasted the early inheritance he begged off his dad and fallen about as low as possible into life’s gutter, the prodigal returned home–guilt-ridden and repentant–in hopes of serving as one of his father’s hired men.

We know the father ran out to meet his boy. We know all about the party the father threw to welcome his son home. We know the dad acted with such overt love and forgiveness that he set a God-like standard for both.

But I got to wondering–as writers and Jesus followers often do–about a tiny detail.

The dad wrapped his coat around the boy. Why?

Theologians can speculate. Biblical historians have their theories. So do those with imaginations.

Maybe the boy was cold.

Maybe the coat was a sign of honor. As low as the slug of a son sank, still the father reached out to honor him by dressing him in the equivalent of a royal robe.

Maybe the dad used it to drive home the lesson that all he possessed belonged to the son, and always would. Maybe to prove his point, the dad solemnly removed his own coat and wrapped it around the fallen one.

Maybe the young man had lost such a totality of “everything” that he was practically naked, and the father covered him, covered his shame, with his own robe of righteousness.

Maybe all of the above.

What a picture of the Father’s love for us! Naked and poor and stupid and guilty and spent, we crawl toward Him. Not only does He run to meet us, He wraps us in honor, in forgiveness, in warmth, protection, His own robe of righteousness, a garment that marks us as His, one that tells us and the watching world that all He has is ours.

For writers: Have you made dumb mistakes in your writing? Have you sought honor prematurely or chased after wrong motives or lost sight of His purposes for you and come crawling back to the feet of the Author of your faith? You don’t have to wonder what His response will be. Feel it? His own robe of forgiveness and His whisper, “Welcome back. Let’s try that again.”

For readers: Ditto. Have you made dumb mistakes…? Have you felt the welcome weight of fabric over your shoulders? Have you heard His whispers? What seemingly small detail from God’s Word has stirred your heart lately? I’d love to hear about it.

Leaning In

The artistry of this photo appeals to my heart, but its draw is deeper than mere appreciation for the colors and light and composition. It moves me that the two flowerheads on thin stems are bent toward one another.

It speaks of a secret God embedded in His Creation and His creatures. If the individuals stand stick-straight, their symmetry might impress. But the picture tells a sweet story when they lean in, toward one another, toward Him.

For writers: When the writing gets tough, painful to pursue, when a scene is too close to the heart to write without peeling off the outer layers to reveal the raw truth about our characters and ourselves, lean in. Lean into the pain to write more authentically. Lean into the Lord to write with Hope.

For readers: Does something threaten to stiffen the stems of a relationship you share with a friend or family member? Lean in. See if it doesn’t make art of the sceneLeaning In.

Automatic Doors

Automatic doors are a wonder, aren’t they? A camera eye senses when someone draws near and signals to the door mechanism to open and allow entrance. Then with a soft-spoken “whoosh,” the door closes.

“Ask, and it will be given you. Seek, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you,” the Bible tells us. The working out of that promise is sometimes like automatic doors, though. Not the kind with a door knob.

In His wisdom, God operates the automatic door from His unseen position high above the scene. No matter how many doors we’ve pounded on, how many doorbells we’ve rung, how many times we’ve thumped a shoulder against an immoveable wooden door, we can’t seem to find entrance to our dreams.

But the Lord–knowing better than we do where we need to go and which dreams are worth pursuing–waits and watches. When we draw close to the “right” one, He nods and the door opens automatically before us.

For safety reasons, at our local airport, one set of half-circle curved automatic doors open to a person exiting the plane and heading for baggage claim. That set is sealed again before the next set in front of the traveler opens.

That, too, is reminiscent of the way the Lord often works with His children. For their safety, He opens a set of doors, then asks His follower to wait until that door closes behind, sealing him off from the past, before opening the next set of doors to the future.

For writers: Although we’re responsible to keep knocking on doors in our writing pursuits, we can be assured that when we near the “right” door, from God’s perspective, it will open before us.

For readers: Do you feel that every door you try (in relationships, career, even spiritually) seems locked and barred? Are you frustrated that nothing seems to fall into place for you? If you allow Him control of your life, the doors WILL open. And it won’t be because of how brilliant you are or how you muscled the door open, but because the God who loves you is watching. When you get close to the right door, you won’t have to push against it. It will open wide to allow you to walk through.

Entwined

I long ago graduated from to-do lists written on snippets of paper or on sticky notes. I’m using whiteboards now. Color-coordinated. My life is a glorious tangle of responsibilities and delights, challenges and heart-thumping joys. I write and produce a daily radio broadcast, two monthly columns (one for an ezine, another for a newspaper), create and submit and sometimes publish magazine articles, teach at writers’ conferences, love on my grandbabies, serve on the worship team at church, watch for ways to bless my kids and my husband, do freelance editing, care for my mom who can see the end from here, write novels, prepare and edit online devotionals, and serve as the president of the 1900-member American Christian Fiction Writers corporation.

Whew. Let me catch my breath!

What makes it all work is that my responsibilities dovetail. The God I serve is a wise economist. He wastes nothing. A devotional idea becomes a radio script which holds a word of encouragement for an online friend who recommends an editing project that puts me in touch with a new magazine resource I hadn’t discovered yet which gives me another idea for a devotional…

I realize I’m wired in a way that would cause wrinkles in Thomas Edison’s spine. But I survive because it’s all entwined.

And I survive life itself because mine is entwined with the Lord’s. “In Him I live and move and have my being,” is the way the Bible describes it.

It is immensely comforting to know that if I hurt, He feels it. If I dance, He leads. Any compassion I feel is a reflection of His own. When I love well, He smiles. When I sin, we’re both sickened. If I’m rocked by a turn of events, He…Rocks. I’m traveling life as if He and I are partners in a three-legged race.

And we do just fine…when I let Him lead.

For writers: Everything we experience along the path to publication is entwined with God’s divine will for our writing. Even the disappointments. They’re inexorably linked to the victories and advances (both meanings of that word). Entwined and entangled are tango partners, though. And the Word of God is clear that we can become easily entangled and fall out of step with His will for our writing careers.

For readers: Linking arms with the Lord infuses us with strength and stamina as we face our daily challenges, even those as simple as unruly to-do lists. May it renew your courage to see how intertwined are the many responsibilities you’ve been handed or assigned. Is there a common thread? Is it encouragement? Serving? Wisdom? Creativity? Worship? Children? Whatever that common thread, consider that it may offer hope that your life isn’t just busy. It is a delicately woven entwining of your gifts and opportunities with His power and selfless love. I don’t know about you, but I’m going to take another look at my whiteboards of to-do lists and trace His Hand upon it all.

Under Construction

Ponder the shining moments, holding onto them like stored battery power for the dark days. Get a firm grip on the hope that what you see is just the middle, not the end of the story, when God is involved.